


Reunion

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Abuse, Canon, Drama, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-13
Updated: 2005-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-27 02:15:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian and Justin have broken up when two years later, a tragic event brings them together.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

To brutally honest with himself as he was with others, Brian had to admit that he was fucking wasted. The crowd a Babylon swirled and he had to lean unto the bar table for support. 

It was okay though; Michael would drive him home as always. Brian had to find Michael. Last time he checked he was on the dance floor. He was grieving. Ben had left him. Ben was tired of being second best so Michael was dealing with it in the only way the men or should one say ladies of Liberty Avenue knew how. He fucked his brains out and did as much crystal as he could. Brian was familiar with this approach or lack of thereof, he had been doing it for two years since Justin left. He slammed a clammy hand to his forehead. He had made a deal with himself last night and the night before that, “this is the last time I think about that blonde twink.” It never worked and Brian had stopped expecting it to. Brian, though he would lie about it under oath, had even gone so far as checking up on Justin through his many contacts 

Whenever Brian spied on Justin, it was always clear Justin did well for himself. Justin and Michael continued Rage and it flourished. Not only that, but Justin had managed to get his paintings displayed in a major art gallery. Part of Brian hoped that he would fall flat on his ass and come running back to him. No such luck. Brian looked away from the dance floor and briefly gave up his search. It held too many heavy memories. He knew he needed to go. Whether it was to the bathes to get an unsatisfactory blow job or to the loft, he didn't give a shit. 

Brian began to look for Michael again. Michael was gone. No, no he wasn't! His limp body could be seen on it. All the other gyrating bodies had edged away from it. Brian ran to the floor and shook Michael. He didn't move. He felt like he had turned into an ice sculpture. Brian hurriedly checked his breathe and pulse. Michael contained only a thin, timid heart beat. He gave him some CPR before he lifted Michael’s scrawny body up. He felt as if someone else was doing it. His back and hands were into it but nothing else was. His mind had vanished as he gently put Michael into his car and gave him a few quick mouth-to-mouths, wincing secretly. He sped to the hospital. Brian rushed into the sterile, white, florescent world. He immediately went to the desk. 

“My friend collapsed in a club. He only has a pulse.” He heard himself say. A doctor and orderlies ran in a put him on a table. 

“I must ask you to answer a few questions about the patient,” the administrator said. Brian nodded and numbly replayed to her various questions about heath insurance and relatives. Deb came rushing in with Horvath, Emmet and Ted on her heals. All of their faces were grim. And Brian could tell that Deb had decided whose fault it was and had raved about in the car. He was willing to bet the loft that she thought he was responsible. And the question was, was he? Should he have paid more attention to Michael? Was it his responsibility? They didn’t even know what caused it. Whose fault was that? Brian shook his head. Michael made his own fucking decisions. He made his choices he chose to do what he did and well, Brian couldn’t stop that. 

Deb and the gang sat down. They looked as if they had just been shaken from the grave. Ted had blue circles under his beady brown eyes. Emmet’s hair was in disarray. Deb looked worse, though. She not only had blue circles but her curly red hair looked like a badly done afro. New wrinkles appeared within moments on her slightly baggy face.

“Brian, this is your entire fuckin’ fault! My baby is in the hospital because he was out getting fucked with you!” she said hysterically this with one stubby finger pointed at Brian’s face. Brian didn’t bother answering. He had a shell-shocked look in his eyes and he knew if he replied it would rile up Deb even more. Deb burst into tears and put her head on Horvath’s shoulder. In a timid voice that didn’t sound like Emmet’s, he said, “What happened?” Brian cleared his throat, ignoring the question looking at the window, trying to gain his composure. A doctor emerged with a pitying look on his face. And that was when he knew. Michael wasn’t coming back. The doctor went to them and said in a purposefully detached voice. 

"I'm sorry. He's gone." Deb began to sob loudly. The rest just fell   
into the backs of their seats, mouths open. 

"How," Emmet asked in the same weak timid voice. 

"He had an over-dose of ecstasy and a bit too much to drink, the combination stopped his heart." the doctor said. Brian gulped. 

At the diner at about four am Debbie was cooking a storm while the others just sat in a painful shrill silence.

"Did you notice anything?" Ted asked in a flat voice to Brian. 

"I wasn't really with him half the time." Brain replied as a plate of ziti was placed in front of him. Over the next hours Deb would place every Italian dish known to man in front of them and expect them to stuff themselves. After all of them making half-assed attempts to eat it for the umpteenth time Deb just burst into howling sobs while the gang crowded around her. Suddenly Deb looked into Brian's eyes.


	2. Reunion

Justin sat in his own loft eating a bowl of Lucky Charms and reading some new ideas about Rage from Michael. He put them down. A few were good and some were pure crap but of course he wouldn't say anything like that to Michael. Justin looked at the picture on top of the memo like piece of paper. It was Rage. Justin heard himself let go of a sentimental sigh. He hadn't seen the original in so long. He dropped his spoon. He was not going down that road. It was twisted with many turns and forks. Occasionally it even made him consider getting back with Brian. 

Suddenly and startlingly, an obnoxious ringing tore him from the thoughts he was telling himself not to think. He picked it up, almost lazily. 

“Sunshine?” he heard the tremors in Debbie’s voice and immediately knew something was wrong. A million scenarios ran through his head. 

“Deb?” He asked. “What’s happened?” He heard choked sobs on the other end. 

“It’s j-just so horrible. I-I can’t b-believe it. He’s …gone,” She howled. Justin felt as if his stomach had slumped into his shoes and disintegrated into a pool at his feet. Thoughts ran hectic marathons in head. 

“Who’s gone?” He asked his voice trembling. 

“M-my baby,” Debbie wept. Guilty relief flooded him. It wasn’t Brian. Deb hated him. She never even on her death bed call him, "my baby." It must be Michael, he deduced. Michael was her son after all. But after realizing this, his relief was fickle. It was soon replaced by loss. A close friend had been stolen from him. 

There was sound as if the phone on the other line had been dropped and more sobs. Suddenly Ted was on the phone. In a hollow voice he explained the events that happened at Babylon. Justin felt himself drop the phone and leaned back in shock. 

Feelings, the things he had been hiding from for at least two years, rushed at him. They were of every emotion. Some were crazy. Anger, fear, sadness, hysteria seemed to fill every cavity of his soul. After a few minutes he organized them and knew what he had to do. He grabbed his jacket and keys. He jumped into his Audi and sped to the diner, disobeying almost every traffic law, he’d ever known, getting flicked off at every intersection. He parked and ran in. The gang, minus Brian and Michael sat at a table. Ted and Emmet looked as if the last time they had slept, 16 Candles was in the box office. Debbie hung over them as if she had had too much Botox. Justin suddenly felt the awkwardness of his position. He had kept in touch with Ted, Emmet and Debbie but not like they were the best friends they used to be. He hadn't been in the diner for almost two years.

When Debbie saw him, she rushed to give him a hug.   
“How’re you doing Sunshine,” she asked pulling back and looking into his eyes. 

“Okay, considering,” He said as Debbie ushered him into a seat next to Emmet. 

“What are the plans for Rage?” Ted asked. Justin ran a frustrated hand through his hair. 

“I haven’t really thought about it,” Justin said, “I suppose, I’ll end it, it just won’t be the same without Michael.” The group nodded. Justin was beginning to realize all the repercussions of Michael’s death. There would be a funeral! And he would see Brian. He had to aviod him. The name Brian and the word pain were synouminous. 

A man entered the diner. He had thin, graying hair that had been wrapped haphazardly around his temples. He had a world-weary look and had the wrinkles to prove it. He held a dull brief case that was the same color as his beady eyes. 

“Hello,” he said to Debbie, “my condolences, the deceased had a very particular will that was written about five years ago. All his property goes to his mother which I assume is you.” Deb nodded. The others couldn’t take any of this. Michael’s death wasn’t about economics. They all left silently. 

 

At his apartment, Justin brainstormed ideas about how to explain his absence to Deb. Creativity was a funny thing. He never had it when he need it. And he needed it now for an alibi.

He picked up the phone. He was just going to have to do it. 

“Hey Deb,” he said. 

“Yeah, Sunshine?” she replied, sniffling. 

“When’s Michael’s funeral?” he asked softly. 

“Next Monday.” She answered. 

“I don’t think I can come.” He forced out, knowing that this wasn’t going to be easy. 

“Why?” she demanded in a screeching voice. “No wait a minute, I know why. You won’t support and respect your friend’s memory because Brian will be there.” Justin couldn’t deny it. He stayed silent. 

“Well, I’ll tell you something if you let that little fucker control your life like he once did then go ahead.” She said sternly and Justin knew he had to go.

“Okay I’ll go,” he said clearly. 

“Don’t be late.” She replied and slammed down the phone. Justin sighed. If nothing else, seeing Brian again would be … interesting.


	3. Reunion

As Justin got out of his car, he seriously considered jumping back in it. He was practically shaking as he walked towards the grave site. Although he wasn't alone and that was a comforting thought. Deb stood beside him, as well as Ted and Emmet. Brian was arriving separately from work which pissed Deb off because she felt it wasn’t proper mourning procedure. Already tension was in the air. Justin shook his head. What the fuck did he do to deserve? 

The gang arrived at Michael’s grave site. A minister stood waiting. They all sat as well as the other forty people attending the funeral in one of the rows of plastic foldable chairs. One would think that Brian would arrive on time for his best friend’s funeral but Brian was well … Brian. 

“The ass-hole’s probably getting high,” Deb sneered into Justin’s ear. He nodded gravely. The minister began to speak. The minister was a young, tan blonde and he looked oddly familiar to Justin. 

 

When Brian finally did arrive the service was already in full swing. He somehow managed to slip in secretly behind Justin. Justin looked even better than before. His silvery blonde hair was in the same style as it had been when he met him for the first time. He had bulked up a bit, though.Yet his face looked exactly the same but the sparkles in his blue eyes; the initial things that attracted Brian were faint like they had been buried for a long time. 

Michael’s service was everything most people believe a funeral should be. It was a calm, reverent affair and half of the people there were hiding the fact they were bored stff. Sure, they had liked and respected Michael. But they didn’t however want to see his corpse lowered into the ground in a coffin with more flowers on it then most people had seen in their lives before. Also the eulogy the pastor made was so unpersonal, Brian wondered if the reverand knew who he was talking about. And when he heard the part about Michael's unended quest to find his soul mate, a nice godly WOMAN, Brian could resist a snort. He, himself didn’t think it wholly captured Michael’s spirit. A giant picture of Captain Astro would have done better. 

Graves, funerals, and memorials are all so fucking idiotic, thought Brian as he weaved his finger's together the person's gone, dead, over, it doesn’t fucking matter if you put up a silly monument for them, they’re not there they can’t see it and they won’t come back. One might as well move on, the dead certainly had. He crossed his legs and ran his hand through his hair in a classic Brian-like pose and tried just a little to hide his own boredom and disatisfaction. 

It took Justin, maybe five minutes to realize who was siting behind him. Once he did, he immediately began to sweat and shift uncomfortably in his chair. Images of possible future events floated through his head. None of them were good. The first and worse had been a vision from the old days, Justin and Brian fucking their brains out in a rest room. It felt sadly nostalgic. The second happened Brian and himself in a screaming match with a scared/curious/amused audience watching. At all costs, for those reasons, Justin decided to avoid him. He would jump off of the church top in order to not have to talk to the man he used to ironically chase afterward. So this is what it comes to…, He reflected, biting his lip. 

After the funeral, there was a wake at Deb’s house. Deb had made more food than the whole western hemisphere could have ever eaten.Though, Justin had high intentions of leaving early, food wasn't enough to make him stay. He knew in his gut Brian was going to be there. And he hadn’t lost his resolve to avoid him. If anything it had gained strength. 

When the gang arrived at the house they immediately saw Deb had decorated it. Black crepe paper, midnight streamers, white candles and huge blown-up pictures of Michael’s face littered the atmosphere. There seemed to be no spot that had been overlooked. Music from Michael’s favorite bands filled the rooms. It was so loud. One could almost reach out and touch it. 

Unfortunately for Justin’s plan, the guests spilt into pairs. Emmet and Ted, Deb and Horvath, to name a few, stood together. Which left Brian and Justin scrunched together in a house that suddenly seemed as if the walls had gone five feet inward. 

On closer inspection, Brian looked well, hot. He was still as fit and lean as he had been when they had first meet. His hazel eyes still retained they’re cunning and confident glint. Justin gulped silently. It was going to be harder than he thought to follow his plan. He was naturally drawn to this devil.

Unavoidably, Justin was jostled while he was determinately looking away from Brian. His shoulder rubbed against Brian’s chest; in fact he nearly fell backwards. Luckily he stopped himself by stopping himself with his hand … by pressing it against Brian’s abdomen near his cock, instinctively and accidentally. Justin stepped backward bumping someone else. 

“Sorry,” Justin stammered, turning to run to the nearest exit. A strong, firm hand gripped his shoulder. He turned it belonged to Brian. 

“You know, you’d don’t have to be so on edge, its not like I’m going to start yelling at you or jump you at poor Mikey’s wake.” Brian said with his signature, raised eyebrow and half-pout that drew attention to the chisel of his features. Not knowing, what to say, Justin simply nodded.

It was so random, so familiar yet so inappropriate when Brian laid a quick, hot kiss on Justin's lips. What was even more inappropriate was the fact that it was just the beginning...


	4. Reunion

Justin didn’t think he was entirely sane when it came to Brian. If he was sane he wouldn’t be kissing Brian at Michaels wake. He should stop. He really should but it felt so good, so familiar. The kisses they shared, themselves, were sloppy and open-mouthed. They became faster and faster, more desperate. Air seemed to have become a secondary need. 

The people around them seemed to be oblivious of the passion in the corner. They were too busy sharing sob stories. Brian led Justin, past them, into the bathroom. It wasn’t exactly the best place to fuck It was small and full of figurines and hearts one would find in a store owned by a grandmother who called everyone, “sweetie.” 

Brian and Justin didn’t seem to care. Brian had a smooth smirk on his face as if he had just come up with a great idea. He, gently but inexorably, pressed Justin against the wall. In five seconds, it seemed, both of their pants had vanished and Brian entered Justin. To say the fucking was fast and furious was like saying Emmet was just a little gay. Both of them were on fire, to use the common cliche. It had been so long… But once they came with a wave of pleasure, Justin began to gain his senses. A minute or two later when Justin fully realized what he had done he extricated himself from Brian, put his pants back on and ran as fast as he fucking could. 

Later that day Justin got a series of phone calls. The first was from Deb. She didn’t even beat behind the bush. She just bluntly said, “Why did you leave early?” Because I was running away from Brian after fucking him didn’t seem like a good answer, he lied. 

“It was just too painful,” Justin said and he was glad she could see his face because he was wincing guiltily. 

“I’m sorry, I just thought, that Brian scared you off,” Deb apologized while Justin gulped. He managed to finish the conversation and say good-bye in five minutes  
After about twenty minutes Daphne called. 

“Hey Justin, how was Michael’s service?” she asked. It was an innocence question not like how was the fucking at the baths but it made his stomach lurch. 

“I fucked Brian,” he said very softly. 

“What?” she cried and in his mind’s eye he could see her jump back, her curly hair swishing with excitement.” 

“Well, everyone just paired off leaving us alone and he kissed me and one thing just led to another.” He explained sheepishly. 

“How disrespectful, I mean, we all know Michael was in love with him.” She said making his stomach lurch once more. 

“That thought had occurred to me.” He replied guilty and almost annoyed through his teeth. 

“So what’d he say afterwards,” she asked. 

“Nothing, I just ran off, he didn’t have time to say anything.” 

“Did Deb notice anything?” 

“Not until she realized I was missing.”

“I know this is totally beside the point, but how was it? 

“Well… it was kind of fast and all about lust pretty much,” he began but once he heard Daphne’s snort he continued sheepishly, “Well, on his side. It was just another trick for him. He’s not going to come here bearing roses and chocolates begging to have me back. In fact, I doubt that I’ll see him at all after this ... not that I want to” 

“Ri-hi-ght,” she said, unconvinced. 

“I mean really. And even if he did, it wouldn’t work. I’m still Justin and he’s still Brian. It didn’t work before. it’s not going to work now.” 

“Ah huh,” Daphne replied. “Neither of you have changed your names. So that’s why it doesn’t work. Maybe if you change your name to Albert and he changes his to Cornelius…” 

“You know what I mean.” He said frustratedly through his teeth. 

“Okay, okay but this isn’t over yet, you know that, with your history, you can't just walk away.”


	5. Reunion

Disclaimer: The song lyrics you, if you haven't seen them already, will see are from Nickel, a band that in 1998 or 1999 were associated with Sensitive Man Records. These lyrics are not used for commercially, written by the author of this work of fiction or owned by the author of this fiction. (Sorry, I just wanted to be safe.)

* * *

Brian honestly didn’t know why he did what he did which never happened to be a good thing. Fucking Justin wasn’t part of the plan, not that he had one. And After Justin had run away, he doubted that fucking was part of his plan either. 

Brian shook himself from his thoughts, drank his third glass of vodka and looked around him. He was alone with the radio on. After Justin left the loft was too quiet. Brian solved this by having the radio on almost constantly. At that moment he regretted it. The radio voice sang:

I-hi-hi did a stupid thing last night  
I called you   
It was moment of weakness,  
No, not a moment, more like   
Three months of weakness,  
I’m one step away from crashing to my knees  
One step away from spilling my guts to you 

As if the sadness of Michael’s death just wasn’t enough. The guilt was killing him. Brian started to massage his temples. He had always known Michael’s feelings for him but still he strung him along. It was just, pathetic and stupid as it sounded, that he didn’t want to lose his best friend. 

When Ben came along he had hoped that it would change things. But no, Michaels still followed him around like a little puppy dog, he would not put to sleep. It wasn’t that Michael didn’t love Ben. It was more that his love just wasn’t enough. Michael wanted the fantasy that, to him, was Brian. Brian had found that out when he walked in on Michael jerking off to a picture of him. Awkwardly, they both pretended it hadn’t happened. But eventually when Michael had gotten drunk, he confessed it himself. And that was why Ben broke up with Michael.

No one had alerted Ben of Michael’s death. No one had the guts. And that was why Brian picked up the phone and for the first time in his life called Ben. He didn’t even know his number. He had to look it up in the yellow pages. 

“Hello this is Ben,” Ben said casually. 

“Hi this is Brian. Mikey is dead,” There, Brian knew he had never been very tactful, and now was not a time to start. Ben seemed to have to think a bit before he responded. 

“You’re joking.” Ben replied and to add to the image he laughed a little. 

“Don’t you wish I that I was, that Mikey’s on the other line laughing his head off but he’s not, get over it.” And with that Brian hung up the phone.

And now there was the business of Sunshine. He had to admit the fucking had been great. That was an easy truth. It had always been great, actually more than great, spectacular. The hard truth lay bare-naked in front of him. Not only did he want to do it again with Justin, and as embarrassing as it sounded, he wanted to talk to him like they used to and do things together like they used. It was very clear to Brian, although he’d be loath to admit it, that he was not over Justin. He had always known it. Did a person who was completely over someone spy on them? No. He just couldn't look it in the eye and just then someone (or some alchohaulic drink) forced him to turn his head toward the sun and open his eyes. It was as terrible as it was beautiful, a gleaming silver dagger to the heart. How could something so beautiful, so bright and pure be so deadly? He stood up and walked out of the loft.


	6. Reunion

After his conversation with Daphne, Justin was in a state of malaise. He tried to sleep. He tried to paint. He tried to do everything he could think of but nothing seemed to satisfy him. Daphne’s words kept echoing in his head, “This isn’t over yet.” The problem with that was whether he wanted it to be.

It would be simpler if he hated Brian. Hate was frankly easy. It was powerful and driven. Justin’s love/regret/lust for Brian was all, over scattered and unfocused. 

There was a knock on the door that shocked Justin out of his thoughts. Justin looked at his watch wondering who would call on him this late at night. He opened the door. Brian stood there. His hair was drenched from the rain outside. Pearls of water were caught at the tips of his brown locks. His eyes were slightly glazed and his movements were unsteady. It was obvious that Brian was drunk. 

”What do you want?” Justin asked as Brian plowed his way into his apartment and sitting on   
Justin's sofa. 

“To see you, Sunshine,” Brian said sarcastically, weaving his fingers together behind his head and leaning back on Justin’s sofa. 

“What do you want?” Justin repeated, carefully leaving the door open and standing an arms length away from Brian. 

“Remember when we stole Ted’s Viagra and fucked at least seven times until my mother interrupted us?” He asked, slurring only slightly. Brian was a great drunk. He didn’t get mean. He didn’t get violent and he always managed to walk into a coach before collapsing. 

“I remember. Brian, did you drive here?” Justin said sitting down on the coach across from Brian. 

“I took a cab,” He said, looking around Justin’s apartment. “Cozy, does your grandmother live her too?” 

“Fuck off,” Justin swore but he was smiling and shaking his head, almost sadly. “Tell me, what are you doing here?” Brian once again ignored the question.

“Do you have anything to drink?” He requested getting up and walking through Justin’s rooms looking for the kitchen. 

“Not really,” Justin replied, following Brian, “back to my question, why are you here?”

“I’m here to see you.” Brian said after laying on Justin’s bed his hands folded on his chest, shoes leaving marks on the comforter. 

“And why is that?” Justin continued his interrogation. Brian paused before replying. 

“I wanted to ask you something,” Brian said. This was going to be an uphill battle. 

“What?” Justin prompted, on edge. Brian took so long before answering, Justin wondered if he had forgotten the question. 

“Why did we fuck … yesterday,” he said looking at his Rolex for the time. 

“For old time’s sake,” replied Justin after a moment’s consideration.

“Mm hm, you’re just so sentimental,” Brian sarcastically replied. Brian’s mockery drove Justin crazy. 

“Well, if you know the answer, tell me because you just seem to know everything,” Justin’s tone surprised both of them but Brian didn’t let it show. 

“Because you want me,” Brian said. A smirk curled and manipulated his lips. 

“You arrogant ass-hole,” Justin insulted turning away. Brian chuckled like the whole scene was a colossal joke. 

“You didn’t deny it,” Brian noted. 

“Every fag on Liberty Avenue wants you, what’s special about me?” Justin sneered. He didn’t like the tone in his own voice and he tried to calm down. 

“You, Sunshine, are special because you are the only one to walk away on your own.” Brian replied. He was no longer smiling, as he got up and gave him a kiss. 

“Isn’t this enough? It’s pleasurable for you, I can see it. Why isn’t enough?” Brian frustratedly said softly to himself more than to Justin. Justin pulled back as he pushed him away. 

“Brian, don’t you see? It’s hollow. You can find it anywhere. Now, get out.”


	7. Reunion

Justin’s words seemed to reverberate in the bedroom. “Get out,” felt almost animalistic. It had no human manners or courtesy. One only said, “Get out,” in that manner when they actually wanted them to. Nothing was cryptic. Everything was laid bare. Brian seemed taken back but that didn’t stop him from ignoring it. 

“Is that what you really want, Sunshine?” Brian questioned, raising an eyebrow and putting a hand on a bedside table to support his body which was intoxicated in more than one way. 

“Yes,” Justin relaxed by the second. Brian was respecting his judgment for once in his life. Or maybe not, Justin reflected as Brian gave him a kiss that he would feel in his toes even if he was paralyzed.

“I said get out,” Justin said half-heartlessly through clenched teeth as Brian kissed and bit down his neck. 

“Yeah well you also said you wanted me,” It was just like Brian to throw some misplaced words back at him. Brian threw off Justin’s shirt. Justin’s hands were balled into fists. He had to resist the temptation to return Brian’s affections.

Suddenly Justin lost and he cupped his hands around Brian’s chiseled face and gave him a deep kiss. He had lost reason to lust. And on second thought was it lust? Or was it his long-lasting love for Brian? Justin knew the answer although he hated it. He hated what love could do to him. It made him lose almost all of the dignity he had. Would he be unbuckling Brian’s belt if he didn’t love Brian? No. Lust wasn’t enough to override almost every altruistic and sensible feeling Justin had. Or maybe he didn’t have any sensible or altruistic feelings? Confusion was the only sure thing in Justin’s head as he grabbed the lube. By then all their clothes were gone and Brian was lying expectantly on the bed. His cock looked hard and ready just like Brian did. Did he come here anticipating to be fucked, thought Justin as he rolled a condom on. 

Meanwhile Brian flipped onto his stomach. His thoughts were just as confused as Justin’s. What did Justin mean by, “it’s hollow?” If it was hollow, then why did Justin stay with him almost five years for it? Brian didn’t get it. He didn’t get Justin. Didn’t he see? Fucking is so simple. No one gets hurt. Everything is light easy and pleasurable. Emotions were hard, out of control. Brian hated losing control. But as he lay there he knew he’d lost it. As Justin’s cock rubbed against him and he let a groan he realized how unpredictable he was when it came to this twink. And what was so different about this fucker? It wasn’t because he left. If he just left and was different just for that Brian knew he would move one and keep fucking at random. Brian closed his eyes determined to forget the thoughts filling his head. Succumbing to pleasure Justin and Brian fucked until day came with more questions then answers. 

 

When Justin woke up, Brian was gone. The only thing he left were the stains on the sheets. Maybe he was so drunk he won’t remember, Justin thought hopefully as he stuffed the sheets in the wash. He pulled on a pair of pants and a hoodie and began to get ready to paint.

He dipped his brush into a pale crystal blue and outlined almost unconsciously the angle Brian’s chin. An hour or two later Brian’s whole face was on the canvas. He was smirking but there was something in his eyes that didn’t seem to fit his smile. A sort of puzzlement and hardness like a maze seemed to reflect back. His face was in shades of blue. His clothing was all black with gray outline and the outside was empty, one hand was loosely in his pocket. Justin had gone into a trance and when he’d woken up to see what he had done he ripped it of the easel and stuffed in the trash. He willed himself to get over Brian. But it didn’t work, it would never work. It hadn’t worked for two years. Why would it work then?

Brian, himself sat in his office looking at a memo from Ted. It was almost as if it had been in another language. He finally, after much deliberation cast it aside so he could simply stew in peace. He hadn’t intended to fuck Justin. It just happened. Many things seemed to “just happen,” around Justin. He lost the control and power he always strived for. That’s why he never told Justin, he loved him. It gave Justin the power to turn him down. So he kept his lips shut and Justin left, twice in fact but he always came back.  
Deb walked in. It was a rare event. Brian couldn’t remember the last time she did. She looked flustered and agitated. There were bags under her eyes and silver hairs in her face. 

“Why, Deb what a not so pleasant surprise,” Brian greeted in a way that only he could greet. 

“Why, you little fucker, were you late for Michael’s funeral?” She demanded pointing a fat finger at his face. 

“I was,” he paused for effect, “Busy.” It was none of her fucking business. Although, the truth was he wasn’t planning on going. It hadn’t gone past him that Justin would be there. And he, like Justin, did not want to get in contact with the other incase of losing control. 

“Don’t tell me that you were getting fucked before your best friend’s funeral,” She screeched so loud that some clients were turning around to see what was going on. Brian got up and closed the door. 

“Maybe,” he said while her face turned a very unique shade of puce, “Maybe not, the point is it’s none of your fucking business.” 

“It is my business, you ass hole, he’s my son!” She said close to tears. 

“Your son? My best friend? Those titles mean nothing now. Get over it. He’s dead.“ He said coolly, straightening the things on his desk. 

“How can you be so cold?” She said tears spilling across her face.

“By accepting the facts, Michael’s dead, gone. He’s busy pinching the asses of cherubim. He’s over us. We better get over him. Nothing, not even crying will bring him back.” He said almost lazily as Deb burst into more torrents tears.


	8. Reunion

Disclaimer: The lyrics that you will see, if you have not seen them already belong to Evanescence and their record label. The lyrics are not used for profit, written by the author, and once again do not belong to the author.

* * *

Justin spent the rest of his day at the art gallery, painting and trying (unsuccessfully) to not think about Brian. He liked to have a radio on while he painted to entertain all his senses. Usually the channel he was on played music he liked but the song that played then hit a nerve:

Please, please forgive me   
But I won’t be home again   
Maybe someday you’ll look up   
And barely conscious you’ll say to no one 

Isn’t something missing 

 

The words toke a low hit. Justin made his way towards the machine, his muscles tensing. It reminded him too much of his relationship with Brian. He didn’t want to think about that. Hell, he didn’t even want to think about it. Many mornings he considered, not getting out of bed. 

You won’t cry for my absence   
I know   
You forgot me long ago  
Am I that unimportant?   
Am I so insignificant? 

The radio was cut short as Justin turned it off by savagely hitting it. The silence afterward was almost tangible. Justin couldn’t bear it. He had to do … something. And with that he grabbed the keys to his car. 

 

After Deb’s sob fest, Brian knocked on the door to Emmet’s and Ted’s loft. Sounds of moans and groans filtered through the door. No, thought Brian, they can’t be fucking like two days after Mickey’s- he stopped short considering he fucked Justin at Michael’s wake. About ten minutes later, a very sweaty Emmet and someone who was way too hot to be Ted appeared at the door. 

“Hello, Emmet I’m sorry to have caught you while you’re fucking,” He said bluntly with a slight smile on his face. 

“Oh, David and I weren’t fucking, we were just ah … moving furniture?” Emmet said apologetically with shifting eyes. David was looking uncomfortable as well. In a state of panic that was clear on his face he hurriedly brushed past Brian. 

“So either you’re cheating on poor Ted or you guys broke up and didn’t tell me.” Brian said as Emmet ushered him in to sit on his coach. 

“It’s just well Ted is nice and funny and perfect for me but-“ Emmet began. 

“You don’t want to jump his bones.” Brian finished. 

“You should understand. I mean with Michael.” Emmet said eyeing Brian very closely as Brian shifted his weight.

“I don’t want to talk about him,” 

“Well honey, you need to. You can’t keep it all inside. You’ll explode.” Emmet gave him the classic stare down. Finally Brian caved. After Michael died he had no one to talk to. 

“I understand. The reason I never fucked Michael was because I wasn’t attracted to him. It’s simple as that. But Mickey never got it. He always kept his hopes up.”

“So you knew?” Emmet said loudly, his eye brows rose. 

“Of course I knew. I am many things, … hot, charming, but stupid is not fucking one of them. All this time you guys thought I was oblivious? That my fucking eyes were clouded by sand?” Emmet had the grace to once again look apologetic. 

“We just thought that you thought Michael was in love with Ben,” 

“Hah! I hoped that he was in love with Ben. Do you know why they broke up?” Brian asked looking at Emmet who was shaking his head. 

“Michael confessed to Ben that he jerked off to my picture.” 

“Holy shit!” Emmet swore. His eyes were wild. “I know feel even more guilty about fucking so soon after Michael’s death.” Brian once again shifted his weight. “Don’t tell me you fucked somebody too,” at Brian’s look Emmet continued, “No fuck, you did, so was it just a trick or a blow job?” Brian grimaced before saying very softly, “It was Justin. 

“Holy fuck,” Emmet leaned back, “I think you need to get me some smelling salts or something if you continue on this road. You fucked Justin once again. 

“Actually it was more than once.” 

“When, where? (!)” 

Brian uncharacteristically bit his lip before replying, “At Michael’s wake once, and then a couple of times at Justin’s apartment when I was sort of drunk.” 

“Do you think you guys will fuck again?” Emmet asked. 

“I don’t know. It’s just that stuff I don’t intend to happen, happen around him. I just loose all my control.”


	9. Reunion

Justin hadn’t been to Babylon in a very long time. It was surprising how little and how much that had changed. The guys were different some hotter, some uglier than before but they all had the same intent. He looked around, scanning the crowd half-hoping, half-dreading to see Brian. 

Justin walked slowly onto the dance floor, comparing the past Babylon to the present one. The lights were brighter and seemed almost alive as they flashed over the crowd. The music seemed ten times louder than it used to be. He could feel his brain rocking in his skull. And for one second he considered bolting like a rabbit with a dog behind it out of the building but something inside him wouldn’t let that happen. It was the part of him that made him dance to the music, the part of him that had him dance with one guy after another. An hour passed like that until Brian came. 

After his conversation with Emmet, Brian felt restless. Justin was on the edge of his mind with Michael at the fore front which was never a good combination. He needed an escape and the best escape was at Babylon where he could get so fucked up that when he finally laid down for bed, sleep would come easily. 

Part of him really wanted to skip Babylon though, and go home just to stew even if it would be painful or said a nasty little voice in his head go to Justin’s. Brian shook his head as if the thought was water on the tips of his hair. 

But it seems, Brian thought as he spotted a familiar blonde head, there's no escape. Brian smiled wickedly in spite of himself as he walked up to Justin. 

Justin when he saw him looked a little off balance. Brian motioned for Justin to follow him. Dazedly Justin did, bumping into people almost as if he was an elephant. 

“What do you want,” Justin asked, eyeing the exits. 

“I have a proposition for you, Sunshine” Brian replied, a hand in his pocket. Brian can't just say something in a nice even tone, thought Justin, he has to be a jack ass. But Justin knew he loved him for it. 

“What is it?” Justin questioned. 

“You know how it used to be?” Justin nodded “Well, how about we do that again except no commitment. We both fuck who we want and occasionally fuck each other.” Justin thought it through. Thoughts coated his head. Such as I don’t want to get hurt, I love Brian, I’ll be a whore, I love Brian, I’ll get jealous, I love Brian. 

“… Okay, I guess I’ll give it a try,” 

Those words brought about two months of non-stop fucking. Justin could only remember half of the places they had sex. They hopped around each other’s apartments. One incident that did burn into Justin’s mind was when they fucked in Brian’s office. By that time, they had become great at fucking without their friends’ knowledge. Cynthia who had been working outside didn’t even suspect. 

The issue of what would happen when they fucked other people had yet to be addressed. They were too busy fucking each other. But one night Justin felt like testing the limits. He picked out the hottest trick and went up to dance.


	10. Reunion

He’s only dancing with someone else, Brian repeated inwardly to himself, it’s not like he’s declaring undying love. Brian was feeling better and better every repetition of this line of thought until a nasty little voice in his head added, just like the sex you two have. He turned his back and grabbed a cocktail as the two boys went to the back room. 

The next day, Justin expected (hoped) for a reaction. He wasn’t foolhardy enough to anticipate a brawl but he expected maybe for Brian to “not be in the mood” when he tried to fuck him, but no. Brian did exude a sort of chill. Its icy tentacles reached Justin to his core but he felt determined not to let it show. That’s why he didn’t shout the words that kept echoing in his head when he came, I love you. Those three words were so hard and so easy to say. SO why after almost five years, couldn’t Brian say them? Deb said Brian loved him. Michael said Brian loved him. Fuck, everyone said that. So why couldn’t Brian. This thought used to make him feel depressed like taking one too many sleeping pills. But at that moment it made him angry. He didn’t resist it. Anger felt good. It made him feel powerful in control. 

He sat up and grabbed his pants, he threw Brian his. Brian had a quizzical look on his face like he for once didn’t contain a witty quip. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you,” Justin asked, his eyes were bright blue like the hottest flame. Brian knew he wasn’t going to take silence. 

“Why, Sunshine, I believe I preformed fabulously. Now one might ask you that question about your present behavior.” Brian had regained his witticism. How long I can pretend, he wondered as he saw Justin get angrier. 

“Fuck that shit; you know what I’m talking about. Why can’t you ever let anyone get close to you?” Justin spat but he seemed to be regaining some of his cool. 

“I believe I let you get very close to me.” 

“Once again, fuck that shit. You know what I mean. You’ve never let anyone get inside your head. You’re unbearably cold.” 

“Things were quite hot before.” 

“Holy shit, you’re such an ass hole.” Justin turned his back and grabbed the door knob, to get out of the loft and away from the man he couldn’t sum up with any one word. He felt strong firm hand on his shoulder. 

“There is nothing wrong with me. Everyone wants a nice loving relationship but they never realize that every single time tje relationship ends, one or more of them frail and broken shell of a person. 

“Life isn’t a fuckin’ fairy tale. Nobody lives happily after. My mother thought that when she married my father and guess what happened to her? She became a drunken, broken shell of what she used to be. I refuse to become like her.” This declaration had been held in Brian so long that after it had flowed from his lips he felt like a deflated balloon. 

“Wow, Brian I never thought that you were a pessimistic coward.” Justin had fully regained his cool. 

“What?” 

“You take that view because you’re afraid to take the risk of a normal monogamous relationship. You’ve also ignored several happy ones. Deb and Horvath? Mel and Lindz?

“So what, they’re all fucking lesbians.” 

“Come on, Brian tell me what’s wrong with that. I’m dying to hear.” For the first time in his life since he could talk Brian had nothing to say.

“Oh, because they’re like your mother, she’s one case and she chose not to dump your father and find someone else so she could be a whole happy person.” Brian continued to stare at Justin his mouth slightly open.

A single tear fell done Brian cheek. It was pristine and glassy, beautiful yet fragile and terrible. Justin stopped talk his mouth flew open, He never expected this reaction. He felt the great urge to walk over to Brian and comfort him but he couldn’t move he was glued to the spot. 

“Brian, I’m sorry. I guess, I went too far.” Brian looked at him. 

“No, I think you went just far enough. I’m sorry about the way I’ve treated you in the past.” He took, a deep rattling breath, “ And I, well, it was like a knife to my chest when I saw you wih that guy that's why I was the way I was And ...I love you.” Only Brian could add spunk to that sentence. But both of their faces cracked into smiles. It was just the beginning.


End file.
